White moms and their mixed kids' hair!

Yes, I am seriously going there, to the place of mixed kids’ hair and their white mothers who are responsible for it! You may be feeling a bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz as you say to yourself, “Race and hair and parenting, oh my!”

I know this is an uncomfortable topic, but my husband and I also know that sometimes we must have uncomfortable conversations to bring healing and change. When it comes to hair, I understand there is a lot of judging going on from all races, but I am specifically focusing on white women being judged on their mixed kid’s hair.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a Caucasian woman. I’m not a fan of describing myself or anyone else by their race; however, knowing my race gives context to this blog. 

So, can I make a confession?

I remember saying “I can’t stand seeing white moms who don’t know how to fix their mixed kid’s hair!”

See, my pre-mom self was a model and a modeling instructor at one of the top modeling schools in the country, and this experience gave me a moderate level of expertise in all-things beauty. Not only did I have my hair styled by world-class stylists for modeling gigs, but I was also the face of beauty products including one of the top multi-cultural hair care brands, Miss Jessie’s. I was also trained by Miss Black Georgia on how to teach our modeling students to care for their hair and skin, and many of these students were people of color. In my naive mind, my future children had perfectly cared for and styled hair, at all times, to go along with their fashionable outfits that I put together, every day, coupled with their perfect, mannered behavior. 

Fast forward a few years, and here I am with my three-year-old, curly-headed, golden princess (her words, not mine) and, well, reality hit. Our daughter is not perfectly behaved, she wants to choose outfits that happen to be completely different than my style, and her hair typically reflects her wild personality by the end of the afternoon.

Does this mean I don’t know how to care for her hair? Absolutely not. It means she is a kid, not a mixed kid, just a regular kid who likes to run, play, do flips, wrestle, and put on costumes, a kid who doesn’t care if her hair is frizzy or tangled, for that matter.

Because of my former Judge Judy ways, I know that some people may be shaking their heads, thinking, “Oh, there is another white mom who can’t style her mixed kid’s mane.” Or, maybe, for those who see us in our well put-together moments may think, “Wow, that white mom actually knows how to care for that little curly head!”

I have decided I will not play into this narrative. I will care for my daughter’s hair in the best way possible because self-care is important, but I will not succumb to the pressures and stereotypes of society. In other words, I am not going to chase my daughter around with a comb, spray bottle, and our Miss Jessie’s multi-cultural curl lotion (our favorite curly hair product) so I can prove to everyone that I have been educated on caring for textured hair.

Did you know that kids all over the world have messy hair? It’s true! Mixed kids, black kids, white kids, Qatari kids, Indian kids, you name it. Their hair is in their faces, or frizzy, or tangled at the end of playdates. We have traveled to over ten countries with our daughter, and she always finds kids to play with wherever we go. Never has a kid stopped in the middle of playing to say, “My hair is getting frizzy, please fix it!”

My husband (who happens to be black) and I have lived in Doha, Qatar, for the past four years during the fall and winter seasons. I don’t know if you know much about Qatar, but it’s a tiny country in the Middle East that is 80% expat. This means the vast majority of the people living in Qatar are from different parts of the world. Any nationality and race are more than likely living in Qatar, and here is the funny thing. Out of all of the people we have ever come across throughout our international travel experience, nobody has ever guessed we were from America. The reason we find that relevant is because we are not seen as an interracial couple like we are in America. For us, we are a bit shocked when people refer to us in that way. We are not ignoring the obvious, but our race is not of much importance to us, and we simply refuse to give race precedence over our love or faith. Obviously, race plays a role in our society, especially in America, but race does not define us, no matter the divisive rhetoric the media wants to convince us to believe.

I refuse to hold myself to an unrealistic standard regarding my daughter’s hair. At times, her curls will be on point; other times, she will look a bit like Albert Einstein, and that’s okay! She is more than her hair, more than her race, and more than her looks, and I hope we all can agree on that. There are enough pressures on parents these days, you know? There is a ridiculous amount of judging going on, none of which helps our children or us, so let’s all stop and rewrite a nonjudgemental, inclusive rhetoric.

I bet when Jesus was a kid, his hair was a mess. You know how Jewish hair can be right? HA! Kidding! One of our favorite family Bible versus reads, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

If we can follow the ways of Jesus, we will care less about anyone’s hair or race, and we will live out the age-old saying “it’s what’s on the inside that counts!” which is of great truth!

I’m grateful for my past modeling experiences, which provided me the opportunity to learn proper hair care; however, I understand not everyone has been exposed to the same opportunities.  Fear not! There are tons of resources on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook that can help you understand about curl pattern and maintaining healthy hair. One of my favorite IG accounts to follow for curls is @Dreazzzy who is not only knowledgeable but also approachable. I think it is very important to know how to care for our children's hair and be able to help them learn to do the same. This will instill confidence in them. I can't tell you how proud I am when I hear Jincy say "I love my beautiful curls!"

Several pretenses of this blog might lead you to believe that I don’t want people to judge me. Thankfully, because of my spiritual foundation, judgment from other people is not a fear of mine. However, my heart led me to write this so people would stop judging each other. I’ve talked to countless white mothers who stress themselves out thinking they will be judged on their mixed kid’s hair when, in reality, they have learned how to take care of it, use proper products, and care about how their kids feels about themselves.

My husband and I have been told, many times by people of great spiritual discernment, that our family is meant to bring healing when it comes to race in America, and we humbly believe this. Please give us the benefit of the doubt that anything we say is intended to build up, not tear down, to bring together, not separate. 

With the fruit of the spirit which is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Thank you for reading.

Angela Wright

FB: Angela Phillips Wright

IG: @Ang______________